David Bahn – Reflections

Ephesians 5:22-34

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

²⁵  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, ²⁶ that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ In the same wayhusbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of his body. ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. ³³ However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I have counseled dozens of couples who are preparing to get married. As part of that process we look at this passage. Once we get past the shock of discovering what the Bible actually says about husband and wife relationships, we then talk about how that is applied especially to the man. The reason for this approach is that I’m not sure what I should say to the woman beyond the plain words of the text. But I do have some key insights for the man. If you’re a woman reading this, I’ll offer a thought at the end which I have started sharing with these couples.

Most young men, eager to be married and deeply in love, express their commitment to their fiance’ in brave and strong ways. I will often ask whether he would step into harm’s way to defend his intended should she be accosted. None of them have refused in theory to do so. But when it comes to doing the less heroic sacrificial things – well that’s another matter. He’s not so easily willing to turn off the TV and talk with her. Let’s not talk about putting off buying a new pickup so that we can save for college. We men will often do the heroic, but fail on the smaller gestures of love to our spouse.

I’m guessing that most women would have their men do both. Indeed there are times for extraordinary sacrifices. But those times are rare. More often is the need for the kinds of actions which show a daily willingness to put her first.

We often over-estimate what we can do in the short term, but under-estimate what God can do in the long term. That applies to saving money, growing a church, building disciples, and raising a family. It also applies to the daily expressions of love and respect that husbands and wives give one another.

Perhaps the word to women in regard to all this is the same. While your man may really appreciate words of praise and appreciation – some specific show of respect toward him – what really builds a man up is the daily expressions of respect the flow from your heart toward him. It’s the little things, like seeking to listen to him when he offers a new idea for his career path, or even trying to understand why it matters to him when he birdies the fifth hole. Those actions and attitudes go as far with most men as the small but important things he does for you to show you how much he loves you.

Too often big shows are just that: shows. God calls us to offer real love and respect toward one another; that’s the real deal.